Socially Awkward

It's difficult being socially awkward.  To have something to say but are afraid to say it because I'm not sure if the person I'm talking to is going to take it the wrong way.  Not because I mean it that way but because the way it sounds in my head is not the way it comes out of my mouth.

Wrong. Wrong.  Wrong.

So then I move to saying nothing at all.  To anyone.  Which makes me look more socially awkward because I'm too shy/bashful to say anything. I don't know what to say because opening my mouth seems to offend everyone.  I avoid social interactions so I don't feel so much like an outcast.  I avoid family because it always seems someone is upset because of something I said even though I didn't mean to upset them.  I was just trying having a conversation.

It's hard as I watch people go out with others while I go home day after day.  To hear of their plans with other friends/acquaintances.  Not that I don't want to spend time with my family.  I don't see my husband nearly enough and my kids are growing too fast.  But sometimes it would be nice to have friends to unwind with after a long hard week.  To have discussions with other women about things your husband wouldn't understand.

Then you wonder about the friends you used to run with or talk to constantly and wonder when you grew apart.  Or wonder how they have the time to go out with others but are too busy to spend time with me.  Was it something I said or did?  I wonder what I've done or said when I see people who used to be my best friends walk circles around me at the store.  Am I that embarrassing?  Have I said something that wrong that you can't even stop to say hello?

Then I see my social awkwardness has rubbed off on my kids.  How one of them struggles when in groups, not sure of what to say or how to say it.  I have no idea how to fix it.  I don't even know where to start.

My plea to you is simply this - don't assume that the quiet person standing off to the side is a strange person.  Consider that they may be socially awkward and try talking to them.  Overlook that they forget to ask you about yourself.  They'll come around.  Give them a chance.  Or two.  Or three.  They just may surprise you.

Grudges

Grudges are a difficult, uphill battle.  One that I battle each and every day. It's not only grudges against others that I seem to hang onto but grudges against myself as well. Things that I have said or done to others that at the time may or may not have meant to be hurtful.  Things that no matter much I've apologized for or tried to let myself off the hook that still won't let go.

And I don't mean to hold grudges - really I don't.   Things that linger in the corners of my mind pop up at the most inopportune time.  Like two or three in the morning when I wake up and there's a memory staring me in the face that won't let go.  It's not a vague memory either.  It's a memory that was almost like yesterday.  One that you would change if you could but you can't.  And I can't seem to forgive and forget and let it go.

Lately it has been more and more frequent. I'm fighting a silent, losing battle alone and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get a leg up.

I try hard to not hold things against others but it seems to come screaming out even though I may not let you know it.  Upset that your child has been bullied at school so you post it up on facebook?  How about the fact that your same child that is being bullied is the one who bullied my child not that long ago.  I still hang on to that fact because it was my child he hurt and even though my kid is no longer at the same school or even the same state for that matter my feelings haven't changed.  But I bite my tongue and say nothing because saying something is not going to change the fact your kid bullied mine and will not stop your child from being bullied. Time has passed and chances are your kid isn't the same kid who picked on mine.  My kid certainly isn't the same kid he was then.

I can't leave myself out.  Like the time I screamed my child's name while he was on the basketball court because his team was losing, the game was almost over and he was about to throw a huge tantrum. I regretted it the moment I did it and apologized to him over and over again. While he seems to have let it go, I haven't.  It's still there popping up from time to time to let me know that I'm a horrible mother.

I've tried and tried to block these images from my mind.  I've tried to stop punishing myself for these things that haunt me.  Nothing seems to ease the pain. So I keep trying.  And keep trying.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe...

Seventeen and Eighteen

Krista and Shane turned 17 and 18 respectively last week.

I'm not sure when these kids got so big but I blinked and this is what I found.  Two wonderful, smart, funny kids who are practically adults. I couldn't ask for more from these two.

This past weekend all three kids went to Indianapolis for the band semi-state competition.  They missed going to state by 1.8 points and were so disappointed.  I hated to see the season end.  This is the only time since they all reached high school that they were all involved in the same thing.  Since Shane attends a different high school than Krista and Ty, I thought it would never happen. This year the band had a wonderful show that had a lot of props involved.  As soon as they started recruiting help, Ty enlisted Shane and Krista so they all got to be on the field together.  

Shane and Krista weren't only prop help, but characters in the show as well.  Here they are in uniform/costume before their performance Saturday.  I am very proud of the hard work these three put into the show this season and am sad to see it end!

Fifteen

This young man turned 15 yesterday.  My baby turned 15.  It's painful for me to admit that.  This is his post band practice, getting ready to eat a late supper obligatory birthday picture.  He hasn't seen it yet.

I am very proud of this young man.  He was a huge heart, is very smart, gets wonderful grades and stands up for others.  He's dying to get a job because his brother and sister have one.  He plays trumpet and violin and was excited to be seated as the first chair of the second violins this week.  He's growing into a wonderful young man and I can wait to see what else he has in store for us.  

I Don't Even Know Where to Start

I logged into my blog tonight and realized that I haven't posted in 2 1/2 years.  Not that I haven't tried.  I have started a few different posts that never materialized into anything that I could push publish on.  So I delete them and come back again.

Life is life.  It's up and down.  Hectic.  Unpredictable.  Hard. And all of those things make time scarce.  When we moved to Indiana, we downsized considerably.  We got rid of our couch because it had a broken board in it and felt like you were falling through it instead of sitting on it.  We got rid of our computer desk that was falling apart.  Because of this, our computer was literally set up in our living room with the tower sitting on the floor and the monitor sitting on top of it with the keyboard in your lap and the mouse on the arm of the rocking chair.

A pain in the butt.

We don't have a laptop and it's very hard to "text" a blog post from my phone or tablet.  A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I needed to move the computer to the table we have in the dining room that we NEVER use.  I have always hesitated because it's not a dining table but an air hockey table and I knew the minute I moved the computer the kids would holler they wanted to play air hockey.

They haven't.  Knock on wood.  As a matter of fact, they have used the computer more on the table because it is easier to use.  And I was hoping with it easier to get to, I would take the time to use it more, even though I spend all day long looking at a screen at work.

So here I am.  And a lot changes in two years.

Let's just say I don't miss high school drama.

Shane is almost 18, a senior in high school with his license, his own truck and a job.  He is involved with graphics communications and archery at school and love both.  He qualified for the state and national archery tournament last year.  He attended a graphics communication competition in North Carolina last year and his teacher has already tapped him and the girl who went with them to attend again this year.  He's applying for scholarships and I have a meeting tomorrow night about college information.

Krista is almost 17, a junior with her driver's permit, her own car and a job. She is still involved with orchestra and has a long term boyfriend. She is already thinking about her senior year and is already receiving packets from colleges.

Ty is almost 15, a sophomore and jealous of the license/permit, cars and jobs.  He is very involved in marching band at the moment and still plays his violin.  He is also paying attention to his future and changed his schedule around this year to make his next two years a little easier on himself.

I am amazed at how big these kids have gotten (they are all 3 taller than I am).  I am proud of the young adults they are becoming.

So really all I can do at this point is sum up the last two years.  The kids have grown, achieved milestones, and are looking forward to moving out and up on their own two feet.  Chris and I are loving them, guiding them, trying to catch as much time with them as we can while wondering what's gonna happen when everyone moves on. We will graduate a kid each year for the next three years and send them out into the real world.

Does time really have to move so fast?

A Monster and a Dance

Not too long ago, Chris and I were catching up on Criminal Minds after borrowing seasons 1-3 from a girl I work with. During one of the episodes, the evil guy was a man who had been burned in a fire. Towards the end of the episode, Ty came in to tell us good night on his way to bed. A short time later, I went to his room to make sure there were no electronics in his bed. He says he's scared of the dark again. So I ask "Why?" He points and I turn and look and ask him, "What?" He points again. "I don't see anything," I told him.

Finally he says it. "That show. That burned guy." So I explained it like I always do. It's a show. It's make up. It's nothing to be scared of. He knows all this of course. So the next morning I go to make his bed. I moved his pillows to the floor and find a flashlight, Swiss Army knife and an air soft gun laying where his pillows were. Guess he was just going to be prepared.

Krista and a few of her friends attended the 8th grade winter formal a couple of weeks back. One of her friends came to the house after school, Krista did both their hair, and they decided I be fashionably late to the dance. They had the best time and looked absolutely beautiful. They looked so grown up!

I had Chris take a picture of me and the kids after telling a friend of mine just how tall Shane has gotten. At 15, his is now 6'2" and doesn't seem to be done yet. They definitely aren't my babies anymore.