Grudges are a difficult, uphill battle. One that I battle each and every day. It's not only grudges against others that I seem to hang onto but grudges against myself as well. Things that I have said or done to others that at the time may or may not have meant to be hurtful. Things that no matter much I've apologized for or tried to let myself off the hook that still won't let go.
And I don't mean to hold grudges - really I don't. Things that linger in the corners of my mind pop up at the most inopportune time. Like two or three in the morning when I wake up and there's a memory staring me in the face that won't let go. It's not a vague memory either. It's a memory that was almost like yesterday. One that you would change if you could but you can't. And I can't seem to forgive and forget and let it go.
Lately it has been more and more frequent. I'm fighting a silent, losing battle alone and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get a leg up.
I try hard to not hold things against others but it seems to come screaming out even though I may not let you know it. Upset that your child has been bullied at school so you post it up on facebook? How about the fact that your same child that is being bullied is the one who bullied my child not that long ago. I still hang on to that fact because it was my child he hurt and even though my kid is no longer at the same school or even the same state for that matter my feelings haven't changed. But I bite my tongue and say nothing because saying something is not going to change the fact your kid bullied mine and will not stop your child from being bullied. Time has passed and chances are your kid isn't the same kid who picked on mine. My kid certainly isn't the same kid he was then.
I can't leave myself out. Like the time I screamed my child's name while he was on the basketball court because his team was losing, the game was almost over and he was about to throw a huge tantrum. I regretted it the moment I did it and apologized to him over and over again. While he seems to have let it go, I haven't. It's still there popping up from time to time to let me know that I'm a horrible mother.
I've tried and tried to block these images from my mind. I've tried to stop punishing myself for these things that haunt me. Nothing seems to ease the pain. So I keep trying. And keep trying. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe...