Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Over the last few weeks, I've been anxious for many different reasons. The ice storm we had was tragic, frustrating, amazing, and side-tracking. It caused me to push some of my anxiety to the back burner because I had to do things I didn't have to do every day. Like search for gasoline. And try to decide exactly how I was going to cook a nice, hot, reasonably healthy supper for my kids without a stove. Part of my anxieties started to peak yesterday. I spent yesterday edgy and irritable. I was so exhausted by 9:00 that I hit record on my vcr and skipped watching one of my favorite shows in favor of sleep. I was out by 10pm, amazing for me. But then fear crept in. I woke at 2:30 thinking I can get four more hours. Then at 3:30, three more hours. Then Zeus decided he needed to get up at 4:30 and I was still wide awake. I put him outside at 5am thinking I can still grab another hour before I have to get up. And I finally dozed off into a light, dream-filled sleep. Dreams that were frustrating and confusing so it wasn't exactly a restful sleep.

When the alarm went off, it took everything I had to get out of bed to grab a shower because I knew that I had to be out of the door by 7:30 after putting the kids on the bus at 6:55. I knew that I had to make sure that I was ready to go, that the kids did everything they needed to as far as getting ready plus make Brady's lunch. Belle was awake when I got in the shower and I assumed the boys would be right behind. By the time I got out of the shower, Brady was in my bed upset because his alarm didn't ring when he wanted it to. And that set the tone for the day. What I saw in my mind as a simple, routine morning turned into a difficult, hair-pulling morning. After getting him out of my bed and bringing it to his attention that if he would get dressed in two minutes (as he has done in the past) he would have plenty of time to eat breakfast at home, which is what he wanted to do. He got dressed and decided he wasn't going to take the time to eat, but went about his morning. By the time he got on the bus, he had gotten into major trouble twice and landed his butt grounded. The last thing I said to them as they walked out to the bus was "And no fighting!" According to Belle, the mornings that are rough for Brady are the mornings the boys fight on the way to school. So I put a stop to it before it got that far. Then I went on to face my fears alone (not that I would've faced them with Hubby had he been here, based on my decision, not his). As I was finishing my make-up routine, I realized that Bryce and Belle had forgotten their violin and viola and Brady had forgotten his lunch. So while I was out, I had to stop by their school and drop their stuff off at the office.

What I was hoping that today would be a fear-quashing day did nothing but add to my anxiety. And I hate it. I hate that I have no control over it and hate playing this game. So this afternoon, after spending a bit of time at my neighbors house, I attempted sleep. I stretched out on the couch. A couple of minutes later, Callie curled up next to my stomach. Then a few minutes later, Zeus curled up next to my chest, something he never does. It was then that I realized just how much my fears were affecting me. I slept for thirty minutes before the phone rang. So I got up to face the rest of the day because I knew the kids would be coming in by the time I got back to sleep.

Brady's attitude had not improved and he was not happy to find that I had not forgotten I had grounded him this morning. So his moods went up and down for the rest of the evening and found his way to bed at 7:15. By the time Bryce went to bed at 8, Brady was out cold. One small feat accomplished for which I am grateful so tomorrow will hopefully be a better day for Brady.

Now I'm here, fighting with the fears that creep back in while the kids are sleeping soundly in their beds. Hoping that tonight sleep will come easier that last night and maybe answers will come tomorrow. Hopefully.


janjanmom said...

Being a parent is just full of fun, isn't it?

Jennifer said...

I struggle with anxiety too. I've been on medication since the birth of the goddess eight years ago. Honestly, you just have to take it day by day and know that some days are going to be easier than others. It helps that I have my Xanax prescription now. I hardly ever take it, but just knowing it's there if I need it makes me feel better!!