When I first started thinking about writing blogs, part of me wondered if I could find enough things to blog about, and if I could find enough things would I be brave enough to make the post. Another part of me wanted a place to share the funny little things that go on throughout any given day with three kids here. One could only laugh after hearing what sounded like one of the kids kicking a wall after bedtime to find Belle embarrassed because she hit her head on it. Well I laughed. A place to share my heart swelling with pride to see Bryce receiving phone call after phone call from a friend, one who treats him as a friend should treat him. To share the loving feeling that comes when Brady wants me to be the narrator to his "play" so that he could read his reading assignment. I also knew that I wanted a place to vent my frustrations but I didn't want every single post I made to be negative.
Much to my husband's dismay he married a realist. I find it very hard to think about the things that *could* happen in the future based on the probability of it actually happening. He may refer to this as pessimism. In my family, it's a trait among the women and I have been cursed with it. Because of this trait, I can turn things that are completely innocent or unintentional into a mood altering event even though I try to be open-minded and see things through the eyes of others.
Today the pessimist won out.
While I'm not going to explain the entire situation, I will say that the trigger and the results are my fault, but I had help (unintentional on the part of the other party) getting from the starting point to a full downward spiral. I managed to hold it together, busying myself with things around the house to keep my mind from going back to other things. Things that linger in the back of my mind, nagging, whispering, screaming tidbits that I know to be true, believe to be true and know deep in my heart to be not true.
While I love having the "freedom" to post things here, things that thrill me, scare me, intrigue me, I find it hard to open up and freely post some things. Things that are deeper than just words on a screen. Things that go beyond my being a mother, a wife, housekeeper, chauffeur. I can only hope that eventually I'll be able to share more. Today is not that day.